


theory of love

by rynsngyl



Series: moments of love [1]
Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Begging, Childhood Friends Seungyul, Finding Love, Getting Together, Lowercase, M/M, Smut, Unrequited Love, hangyul sad boi, physics / math major seungwoo, seungwoo saves the day, sorry seungyoun, tears bc we sad bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:08:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23023006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rynsngyl/pseuds/rynsngyl
Summary: seungwoo thinks that it’s mathematically impossible to not be in love with lee hangyul.
Relationships: Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun/Kim Wooseok | Wooshin, Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun/Lee Hangyul, Han Seungwoo/Lee Hangyul
Series: moments of love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1758772
Comments: 32
Kudos: 140





	theory of love

**Author's Note:**

> HAHAHAHAH im back with more angst oops !! this time i tried a new style hahah
> 
> thank you so much to @choimineul, who once again saves the day as my beta!!! thank you so much for being here with me! i can't even express how much i love you!!
> 
> you can follow me at @hangyuwu, or at @rynsngyl (my au / writing acc) on twitter!!!

**intimacy**

  
  


for hangyul, winter is cold. 

he’s been in love with seungyoun for almost all of his life. holding hands as little children running around the playground has changed into holding hands in the confines of their little dorm room, something of comfort and solidarity.

seungyoun probably holds his hand because it's only natural; an action done so frequently in their youth that it's merely a habit that he’s never grown out of, a lasting testament of their friendship amidst the trials they’ve faced growing up. 

but hangyul doesn’t want it that way. 

he’s in _love._ seungyoun is his everything: his knight in shining armor, his partner in crime for almost twelve years, his role model, his source of laughter, his sole comfort, his shining star in the darkness of his thoughts.

but loving seungyoun is cold.

like the winter breeze, hangyul’s come to learn that seungyoun comes and goes.

not as if he leaves and disappears somewhere far off; they’ve been stuck together all their lives. the three year age gap did nothing to stop hangyul from skipping two grades and seungyoun from taking a gap year before they both entered the same university as first years and became roommates.

these days, however, even if seungyoun’s always by his side, hangyul can tell that he isn’t the center of the older’s attention anymore; no longer the fixation of seungyoun’s thoughts like he’s always been.

when they lie together on their dilapidated couch, holding hands as they watch some random artsy foreign film, hangyul can tell that seungyoun’s mind is somewhere else from the way that his gaze appears glazed over and distant, barely noticeable in the dim light that illuminates their faces. his hand doesn’t knowingly squeeze hangyul’s during particularly interesting or thought provoking moments.

as the heroine on screen runs from the supposed killer and the screen seems to melt with her accumulating panic, hangyul muses that it could be him, trapped in his thoughts, trapped by his painfully one-sided love for his best friend.

she gets shot and dies.

seungyoun says nothing, gaze now pointed at the phone that hangyul knows is hidden beneath the blankets.

the blood seeps from her wound and she lays face down, letting the crimson paint the floor, slowly, steadily.

hangyul feels like he’s bleeding out like the heroine too, love and adoration for seungyoun in his veins and he bleeds‒ pretending to smile as if seungyoun wasn’t holding his hand while texting wooseok under the sheets.

many times, hangyul feels like giving up. he’s hurt himself enough, _hasn’t he?_ he deserves more, _doesn’t he?_ twelve years of being in love with someone who will never love him back is frankly, twelve years too many. 

sometimes, he’s almost ready to walk out of the figurative door of loving seungyoun.

but then seungyoun comes _back._

he loves on hangyul with full force: little smiles, gestures, only looking at hangyul, making him fall in love with the charismatic elder all over again. and when he does, like every time, hangyul lets go of the doorknob, hopeless slivers of belief that seungyoun would ever love him back pulling him back into the darkness and away from the door, where it’s cold and empty.

he hates himself a little more every single time he lets seungyoun pull him back in, hates seungyoun just a little bit more for being so damn loveable at just the right times, but hangyul could never hate seungyoun. not ever.

loving seungyoun is like breathing: sometimes, it hurts, but it keeps hangyul _alive._

  
  


**Intimacy pt. 2**

  
  


han seungwoo is an enigma, a man of simple pleasures yet complicated desires. 

his days fly by like fever dreams or seem to last an eternity and even more. nothing really catches his eye or bothers him: the model student and mentor, and yet even though all of his cards seem to have fallen in place, he’s _empty._

classes and learning material are too simple for him; sports and other recreational activities do nothing to ignite a sense of passion or challenge for him.

and love falls into the same boring, cyclical routine. men and women pursue him and show interest, but indulging in carnal desires still leaves him blank. feeling loved is ephemeral, stays for a fleeting moment as he presses skin against skin, until his clothes are on again and he goes about his day on autopilot.

he’s stuck in a black and white world, a world stained a pale grey, a blank coloring book begging to be splashed with vibrant hues of emotions other than _emptiness_.

there’s an inherent order in the world. everything is based on numbers, equations, zeroes and ones, his professor drawls, clicks resounding through the silent lecture hall with every dot and stroke of the chalk against the board.

it makes seungwoo think, then if the world was just a mechanism of mathematics and equations at work, controlling every single aspect of his world, then was there a theory of love? a formula for him to substitute values and actions in order to create a flawless equation for a cut and dry rendition of love?

thinking too much doesn’t do him any good, so he rids the thought the moment he begins to feel a little baffled by concept. he lets the days pass by, once again, no thoughts, seemingly mechanical and blank, but perhaps the ever so elusive theory of love finds refuge somewhere in the void, _dormant_.

.

.

the university’s sports festival is supposedly a special day for all of the students, but seungwoo still stays numb to the excitement that his peers seem to exude. sports festival or not, the day always ends up blending into the mass of other drab days he’s experienced, so why even bother?

he’s fine being the class representative, competing in every single sport and taking the role of the leader, keeping his teammates’ heads in the game while his head is in the clouds, barely registering what is happening as he lets muscle memory take over and run him through the motions. 

they’re playing soccer against the sports department. seungwoo has no worries, he’s a naturally gifted athlete and an even better midfielder to boot. his cards always fall into place, as usual, and he expects a victory in a matter of minutes, so he drowns out the rest of the world, letting himself sink into an abyss of muted color and muffled sounds, where time runs slow and he’s only left with the apparent emptiness in his soul. 

the immersion in the thick miasma of nothingness is ripped from his being like the sharp shock of frigid water getting dumped over his head, except instead of the cold shock of icy liquid, he finds himself on the ground, mind reeling and head throbbing. 

getting nailed in the face with a soccer ball was not part of the plan. frankly, it seems more like a cruel joke from whatever mysterious mechanism of the universe than actual reality. he never fucks up, never makes mistakes.

the warm hand that pulls him back up makes his eyes snap up to the face of the person before him, and he freezes. he’s caught in a daze; stuck in a trance, hypnotized by the prospect of being shaken from his boredom.

“are you okay?” the sound comes rushing back into his ears, just in time to hear the alluring voice of the student before him. 

“my name is hangyul, lee hangyul,” _damn, that’s an attractive name,_ “i’m so sorry for hitting you with the ball, seungwoo sunbaenim!”

color bleeds into the formerly grey world around seungwoo, filling in every single curve and line to hangyul’s flawless features. a beautiful, light golden tan washes over exposed skin; a soft brown fills in his structured eyebrows and his shiny, fluffy hair.

seungwoo’s heart skips a beat when hangyul runs his hand through his hair casually, fixated on the lines of striated muscle that flex with every little movement. it’s addicting; staring and admiring hangyul, that is.

he feels… _something_.

maybe it’s been so long since he’s ever felt anything other than emptiness, that he can’t pin down the little warmth and pull that he detects in his chest, buried somewhere behind layers and layers of skin and cells, miniscule butterflies on their very first flight: tentative, fearful, yet inexplicably and intrinsically drawn in like a moth to a flame.

whatever he feels, seungwoo could care less. all he knows is that he actually feels _normal_ , 

the theory of love arises again, this time, as seungwoo steadily stands up, hand intertwined with hangyul’s as he settles on his feet and practically towers over the other male.

their height difference is amusing, to say the least, but seungwoo wants _more_. he wants to know how hangyul likes his eggs in the morning, he wants to know how hangyul’s velvet tongue would feel against his, how his low voice and downright seductive lips would create a symphony of whines and moans as seungwoo buries himself deep and sends them to the apex of their pleasure.

it’s clear. lee hangyul is the constant that he is missing in his elaborate theory of love. he thinks of the trajectory of his little formula: would he approach a stable equilibrium? or would hangyul be the value that creates a bifurcation event, and creates an entirely different path of love?

nonetheless, another moment of thought lets seungwoo deduce that in some twisted chance of circumstance, lee hangyul is the key to cracking the proverbial code of love. 

he’ll stop at nothing to pursue hangyul. after all, he has a theory to test.

  
  
  


**passion**

  
  


hangyul is the outlier to normalcy in seungwoo’s life. amidst the lazy drone of day to day life, where thoughts come and go like little leaves in the wind, seungwoo can’t stop thinking about the attractive junior that’s caught his eye.

its not intentional, but suddenly he’s become hyper aware of the man that’s invaded his mind. its devastatingly jarring for seungwoo, someone who never really feels attached to anything, that all of his thoughts are consumed with hangyul.

the way he can spot hangyul out from the crowd of bustling college students like locating a needle in a haystack. but then again, even from one brief meeting on the soccer field, seungwoo already finds himself attracted to hangyul’s gravity, caught in an inescapable pull that makes his eyes search for hangyul’s figure and crave to hear his voice.

his mind is a mess, but there's only one thing, one person on his mind.

one person who makes him _feel_ , one person who keeps the color in his vision and the sound crisp and clear in his ears.

seungwoo can’t tell how it feels to be out of his empty head. immersing himself in the real world and being sensitive to all of the little aspects of life that he used to drown out is overwhelming: lights too bright, color of the world around him too vibrant, sounds acutely too defined and _loud_.

but seungwoo thinks, being empty is too drab, isn’t it? he wants to be alive, he wants to wake up from the haze, navigate himself from the maze of emptiness that he’s confined himself in.

so he goes on the chase.

it seems to be just his luck that he happens to cross paths with hangyul on the way to the roof to take his regularly scheduled scenic break before his physics lecture. the regular seungwoo wouldn’t have spared a glance for the underclassman, except that hangyul had noticed him first and was clearly trying to escape from him.

seungwoo pulls him into an empty classroom, locking the door in seconds before he pins hangyul against the wall, hands tight and eyes fixated on hangyul’s surprised eyes, looking like little glassy pools of his soul, and seungwoo admits that he's enraptured by how expressive hangyul’s eyes are; so, so different than the blank guise of his own countenance. he wants to dive into hangyul’s pool, he wants to submerge himself in the pure emotions that hangyul feels. 

“s-sunbaenim-” hangyul’s voice tremors, swallowing down the tears that almost surface in his eyes as he turns his phone off and slides it into his pocket with the hand that isn’t captured in seungwoo’s hand.

maybe he _was_ avoiding contact with all human beings for the time being, especially men like han seungwoo, who has an untouchable aura that made little commoners like hangyul gaze up at him in awe, like a god who did mortals a service by smiling down at them every once in a while.

yes, han seungwoo is a god. his skin a pearlescent and flawless alabaster, features sharp and pointed like an immaculate statue, crafted by the finest of artisan hands. top of his class, someone that hangyul always hears his classmates fawning over.

perhaps he could stop thinking about how seungyoun basically ghosted him seconds before over text, let the charismatic han seungwoo momentarily wash away the shame and the misery of his pitiful state.

something in seungwoo melts at the sight of hangyul, a little itching in his throat that he can’t seem to identify- but he wants _more_ , to feel _more_ , to know _more_ , no matter how odd it makes him feel.

“avoiding me?”

hangyul looks away, shy. “more like avoiding everyone in general.”

seungwoo nods in understanding, but doesn’t let go. “i get how you feel.”

“do you really though?” the younger asks, “i'm sure you have nothing to hide from.”

_maybe, maybe not_ , seungwoo muses, people probably only see what he lets them see: a perfect student with the best grades and the best life. not his fault that things just fall into place for him, just how life was. 

“wouldn’t you like to know,” his voice comes out far more teasing. seungwoo knows his voice can be quite sexual and alluring when he plays with the tone and lilt to his voice. “but i’d rather hear about you and your problems.”

hangyul pretends to go with the flow of the conversation, as if han seungwoo isn’t pinning him to the wall, faces only inches away, getting lost in the handsome senior’s eyes. “just unrequited love, you know how it is.”

“someone doesn’t like _you_ back?” seungwoo is absolutely stunned. lee hangyul, whose smile is even brighter than the sun, with a beautiful voice and and an even more beautiful face, has an unrequited love?

"you say that like you're surprised," he really doesn't get seungwoo, doesn't get how someone so _important_ like han seungwoo would give him any time of day. he's just lee hangyul, a sad and lonely freshman that's about to get his heart broken once he leaves through the door and back into the reality that cho seungyoun will _never_ love him.

“i am.” 

it’s mathematically impossible to not be in love with lee hangyul. seungwoo finds that once again, hangyul exceeds all of his expectations, proving to be the outlier once again. not only the only one to make his senses twinge with emotion, but also to shock him with ethereal beauty and apparent unrequited love.

“lee hangyul, you’re beautiful. I really can’t tell why someone wouldn’t be in love with you.” 

_shit._ han seungwoo makes hangyul feel loved. 

hangyul knows love aches, knows that there’s only ever been a bad ending when it comes to love. and seungwoo is probably just like seungyoun, except he _isn’t_.

they’re almost the same height, with long limbs and charming smiles that have people falling for them left and right. they’re both soccer athletes, on the same team, who are also known for their melodic singing skills and killer fashion sense. 

but seungwoo looks at hangyul, with eyes that seem to burn with _love? adoration? interest?_ hangyul can’t really tell. all he knows is that han seungwoo looks at him in a way that cho seungyoun never has. 

perhaps, if hangyul wasn’t hopelessly in love with his best friend, then maybe, _just maybe_ , he could let han seungwoo sweep him off his feet. 

  
  
  


**passion pt. 2**

  
  


cho seungyoun is holding his hand. 

it's friday night, and the two of them are off to a club. hangyul used to hate clubbing, the idea of being in a little cramped space with music blaring in his ears and people packed so densely that he could barely breathe was a nightmare for him.

but seungyoun loves clubbing; he lives for the nightlife and the booming bass that reverberates through the dark expanse of the rooms. he’s a socialite in his element at clubbing: always bumping into people that he knows, constantly getting asked out and offered drinks that he would easily decline with a shake of the head and a wink.

seungyoun leads him into the land of dark, dirty music, gracefully swinging by the makeshift bar to swipe up a couple of drinks that they down in a matter of seconds, before heading to the dancefloor. 

hangyul loves clubbing now. loves the way seungyoun looks as he mindlessly dances in the crowd of people, bottle in hand and seemingly no care in the world at all. loves the way their bodies slot together as they move against each other, feeling the music in their bones and something like a dark, burning fire of attraction in their souls. 

it's like a dream having seungyoun with him like this; seungyoun’s hands run down his chest and slowly but sensually pull the zipper of his black shirt lower and lower as he feels hot breath against his ears. 

he mirrors seungyoun: letting his tentative fingers trail lower and lower down his back before finally settling on the curve of his ass. he leaves his hands there, focusing on dancing (grinding) with seungyoun instead of making any moves. 

each and every second that passes feels like an eternity, a hazy cocktail of lust and being lost in the moment clouding his thoughts. it feels so wrong to be dancing with seungyoun like this, but it's everything he’s ever wanted. seungyoun is the forbidden fruit that hangyul longs for, admires from afar, and then finally gives into.

he should be stronger than this, but even as kindhearted as he is, he just can’t stop himself; letting their bodies continue to meet with every roll of their hips to the beat of the pulsing music. he lets seungyoun lay his head in the crook of his shoulder, letting the little breaths and groans against his ears fill his world.

it feels amazing, _is_ amazing, 

but is this _love_?

does seungyoun’s heart race with every second and moment like hangyul’s? does he think of him during long nights and fleeting moments, wishing to spend the rest of his life with him? does he fall in love with him like hangyul’s been in love with him these past ten twelve years?

the answer comes quickly. 

seungyoun pulls away after kissing hangyul’s shoulder gently, with soft lips and half lidded eyes, screaming want and lust. 

“thanks so much for playing along,” he smiles, nodding his head behind them, where wooseok slowly approaches, “wooseok thought he could make me jealous but i guess he couldn’t handle a taste of his own medicine.”

hangyul comes crashing down from his high, the illusion gone and dreams shattered like fragile glass. 

“oh,” is all that really escapes from his lips, somewhere in between far too shocked and far too devastated to create a coherent response as he watches seungyoun get whisked away by wooseok’s sly figure, disappearing from his sight like a train track at its vanishing point. 

love aches, and hangyul is a fool.

the world seems to get drowned out by the sheer humiliation that pervades through his entire soul. he’s been hurt before, but this time especially, his chest burns with the stinging pain of rejection. 

he’s the poor little puppy that’s been played with by a cruel owner: offered the treat he’s been waiting for this entire time only to be ridiculed and have his hopes and dreams snatched away from him. 

once again, hangyul tries to pretend like everything is okay, attempts to keep the tears that threaten to blur his vision from escaping from the corners of his eyes, attempts to make his way from the crowded mass of people on the dance floor that seem to make the space around him confine him like a cage; walls quickly closing in on him.

suddenly, the world is grey, sounds muted and the world moving in slow motion. he can’t think. he can’t calm the beating of his racing heart, can’t calm the way his mind and his heart scream in anguish when he catches sight of seungyoun and wooseok on the dance floor out of the corner of his eye.

oh, to be kim wooseok, effortlessly beautiful, rightfully coy, and the apple of seungyoun’s eye. hangyul wants to be him. he wants to feel seungyoun’s skin against his once again, he wants to feel the magnetic pull of their lips as they delve deep in exploration of each other’s bodies. 

he wants to be the one that seungyoun takes home tonight, wishing that seungyoun would press him into the bed and love on his body in the heat of the night like he knows seungyoun and wooseok will do when they stumble out of the club, giggling like drunk and in love teenagers.

hangyul’s jealous, but he really has no right to lay claim on seungyoun.

seungyoun can love who he wants. he can sleep with whoever he wants. hangyul having feelings for him will never change that. he was only meant to be a part of seungyoun’s story as a friend, the neglected side character who is too good natured and far too insignificant to the main plot that he’s doomed to have a bad ending.

seungyoun’s the star of the show anyways. he gets the entire world in his hands, has all the opportunities fall into place for him as written. hangyul is the one who must suffer so seungyoun can prosper. 

and through tears, sweat and grime, he trudges his way to their abandoned booth, ready to drown his sorrows in bitter alcohol and the taste of liquid despair. 

if he’s lucky, he won’t remember any of this tomorrow. 

one shot becomes two, two shots become three, three becomes four, and after the fourth hangyul can’t really tell the difference anymore. he hates getting wasted, hates the way that his senses are dulled and his mind in a haze, but today, he welcomes it.

a warm body slides next to him, putting him flush against the mysterious person that’s stumbled across his pathetic pity party. 

“hangyul.” _shit,_ it’s seungwoo. even drunk off his ass, he can recognize the breathy and distinguishable timbre of the senior’s voice as it drifts from somewhere beside him until it’s right up against his ears, which are uncannily sensitive in his drunken state.

“s-sunbaenim?” he really can’t put his words together, suddenly self aware of his appearance. does he look wasted? is his face flushed red and hot? are his limbs working properly? is his hair somewhat presentable and not a disheveled mess from how many times he’s run his hands through soft locks in frustration?

seungwoo smiles and looks at him as if nothing is wrong in the world, giving him a sliver of comfort. “you look like someone just broke your heart.”

“seungyoun just used me to make wooseok jealous.” hangyul cringes at his own blunt words, trying to chase away the little tendrils of anguish that began to creep into his being. 

seungwoo looks startled at the accuracy of his prediction, quickly retracting his words, “did he really?” large yet attractive hands run through his hair, obviously a little taken aback by hangyul’s sudden confession.

“sunbaenim,” hangyul groaned, clutching seungwoo’s arm and the next shot as if it were his lifeline, “he really did. i’m mortified. my day is ruined.” he downs the shot as quick as he answers, letting liquid fire fill him with the warmth he was missing when seungyoun left him. 

clever hands wrap around him as he almost stumbles over, sending him straight into the solid mass of seunngwoo’s chest.

“don’t call me sunbaenim, just call me _hyung_.” 

han seungwoo wants to be more than just a senior, wants to let hangyul come to him for all of his worries and inhibitions, wants to be the light in hangyul’s life like the how the younger makes seungwoo’s heart beat uncontrollably.

“i hope you know that I have feelings for you,” the phrase processes slowly in hangyul’s mind, running through every corridor and crevice of his brain until he finally realizes that someone like han seungwoo would have the audacity to love someone as mundane as him.

the words get caught in hangyul’s throat, nerves blasting rapid fire as they send signals, yet still, he can’t make a decent response to the words, body still practically draped across seungwoo at this point.

he buries his face in seungwoo’s neck, hoping that he can convey his thoughts that _yes_ , he would accept his feelings, without having to say a word at all. there’s just _something_ about han seungwoo that makes hangyul want to melt into his arms, the warm and comforting presence keeping him from falling too deep into seungyoun. 

maybe this time was enough, maybe this time would be the point where he finally lets go. what’s the point of letting himself hurt endlessly when seungyoun never had feelings for him at all?

his love is meaningless. 

why is his love for seungyoun the only thing keeping him going? life’s more than that. life doesn’t end when his feelings for seungyoun stay unrequited. 

he’s not alone, because han seungwoo is holding his hand and it makes hangyul feel the forbidden feelings that he’s always had for his best friend; this time his feelings aren’t forbidden, but reciprocated. 

seungwoo isn’t like seungyoun. seungwoo knows how to pick up the cues of the conversation, easily understanding that hangyul can’t answer. that’s okay, because seungwoo knows from the way his handsome face slots perfectly in the crook of his neck, loving the way soft breaths light his skin up with the passion of a blazing fire. seungwoo can do all of the talking. 

“do you want me to take you back?” seungwoo gauges the reaction on hangyul’s face, “i can take care of you tonight‒” he pauses when he realizes the sinful connotations of his words, “not in _that_ way,” he reassures the younger, “unless you sober up by the time we get back and you’re okay with it.”

he feels hangyul excitedly nodding, head rubbing furiously against the exposed skin from his wide and deep cut shirt. 

it’s wet. hot tears cool against practically burning skin, the fine line of hangyul’s nose and jaw caressing seungwoo’s neck.

“ _take me home, hyung, i don’t want to cry anymore._ ”

  
  
  


**commitment**

  
  


seungwoo’s head is spinning; filled with thoughts of hangyul: thoughts of love as a barely sober hangyul clutches tight to his body, doing his best to keep up with him and navigate their way back, thoughts of comforting hangyul from his heartbreak and being the one to take away the pain, thoughts of _lust_ for hangyul’s beautiful body and seductive figure.

he can’t help but shiver in arousal whenever the younger leans close to whisper in his ear about whatever the hell crosses his mind. he can’t help but sweep hangyul off his feet as he types in the code to the door, flawlessly evading the natural chaos of a college dorm as he lays hangyul on his bed, taking a seat on the plush fabric beside the unmoving lump of hangyul’s body.

_“hyung,”_ he groans, shifting to lie face up, “i’m tired.”

if it were any other man, hangyul would have never let them step foot into his dorm, or even his room for that matter. inebriated or not, he still has a sharp sense of self preservation. 

but han seungwoo is just someone he _feels_ he can trust, no, _knows_ he can trust. hangyul knows from the way his hands delicately unzip his shirt and replaces the soft fabric with a simple band shirt that he found in a drawer. he likes‒ apparently _loves_ ‒ hangyul, but still doesn't push him to do anything as he silently strips hangyul and changes his clothing. 

hangyul knows seungwoo _wants_ him. and that’s why these soft gestures mean even more to his hazy mind. seungwoo is good. seungwoo is _real._ seungwoo’s body crawls under the sheets next to him as the elder decides that it’s time to turn in. 

he feels _safe_.

because han seungwoo won’t hurt him like seungyoun has in the past twelve years. mere hours and minutes with seungwoo makes hangyul feel more loved than ever. he’s hooked on the way it makes his stomach fill with hopeful and giddy butterflies. he wants seungwoo to heal his broken heart, to be the one to make him forget the way his heart bled for more than a decade.

it keeps him awake, through the passing minutes and seconds, through the sounds of gentle breaths and the steady rise and fall of seungwoo’s chest from beside him.

he can’t really tell how much time has passed; phone discarded somewhere on the floor, no clock in his room because he’s broke like that. all he knows is that his heart hurts a little bit less the longer he stays next to seungwoo; some magical power that the elder has over him even when he’s just dead asleep beside him.

it _seems_ like he’s sobered up; the world doesn’t seem like it’s in slow motion anymore, feeling like he’s breached the surface of the water and opened his eyes with new contacts in: the world is clearer and he finds the rise and fall of his chest somewhat exaggerated, but at least it doesn’t feel like he’s inhaling fire like when he’s with seungyoun.

_seungyoun._

he’s someone hangyul just can’t escape, always finding a way to bleed into each and every one of his thoughts. it’s only natural, _isn’t it?_ only natural for hangyul, who has loved seungyoun for twelve whole years, to have his world utterly and irrevocably consumed with cho seungyoun.

but han seungwoo lays next to him, peacefully asleep as if hangyul isn’t having a middle of the night crisis just inches away. han seungwoo is what hangyul wishes cho seungyoun was, if it makes any sense.

then, why not let han seungwoo _replace_ the cho seungyoun in his mind?

it’s tempting, really; calling to him from the deep and dark confines of whatever is left of his rational mind that somehow stays free from seungyoun; the final piece of his mind that stays truly his own.

“you know, I can hear your thoughts from here, hangyul.” 

seungwoo faces him, now awake, with tousled locks of hair that fall across the porcelain expanse of his smooth skin and sharp features. even when he just wakes up, han seungwoo is perfect, looking like he stepped right out of an editorial photoshoot in just his thin dress shirt that is cut so low that it leaves nothing to the imagination.

“can’t sleep?” the elder calls out to him again, making hangyul remember that he never replied, too busy admiring seungwoo’s figure and a little too tired from the day to really keep track of the conversation.

“just…” he trails off, letting the words dance on the tip of his tongue, trying to formulate a sentence eloquent enough to impress seungwoo while also getting his point across. 

“thinking,” hangyul manages to whisper, “thinking about _you._ ”

“ _me?_ ” seungwoo’s voice suddenly sounds deeper; a little more rough and unrefined, a product of recently waking up, but it makes hangyul feel a little flame of want from within him. 

seungwoo wastes no time in making hangyul flustered beyond belief, shaking himself awake as he props himself up to look at hangyul, sheets falling from his body to expose even more milky skin and taut muscle. 

“what about me?”

the question is innocent enough, but it almost sends hangyul into a panic, the way it forces him to think about his own feelings about seungwoo out in the open. he doesn't know if he's ready to tell seungwoo that he may or may not feel things for him. though it isn’t exactly love yet, there's an inherent attraction between them that he just can't deny.

"i think i like you," nervous hands begin to fidget when he looks at seungwoo, whose large and muscular form are turned attentively his way. "and it's not as a rebound for my stupid feelings for seungyoun."

seungwoo moves close, pulling hangyul slightly closer to him until they're practically chest to chest in bed, hangyul's heart vibrating in his chest as he feels the touch of their legs and abdomens from beneath the blankets.

he happily hums at the blush that dances across hangyul's cheeks, giving him a little youthful glow that makes him look downright ethereal even in the dark. "i'm glad you feel that way, gyul."

and it might not show, but seungwoo feels like he's in heaven. hangyul looks like an angel, soft brown hair that looks softer than clouds and the beautiful streams of moonlight that peek through the small window in the corner gives his face an angelic glow.

_ah,_ hangyul flushes even harder at the words, thinking that seungwoo didn't understand the intentions behind his words, embarrassed that he has to really say _it._

a comforting hand runs up and down his side, soft smile gracing seungwoo's porcelain features as he draws little patterns into hangyul's hip. hangyul thinks seungwoo looks _too_ kind for someone that he was going to ask to possibly become intimate with.

"hyung," the hand stops, and seungwoo looks over attentively, dark fringe attractively framing the dark shine of his eyes.

"your offer," hangyul stumbles over his words, mortified that he's basically acting like a shy high schooler confessing to their long time crush for the first time, except hangyul's a perfectly capable adult that should really be able to ask someone for sex without much problem.

"i-if you're still okay with it, i think i want it," and as flustered as he is saying the words, seungwoo's lips still stay true, holding a caring smile that makes hangyul's heart beat and his head spin.

hangyul shyly settles his head closer and closer to seungwoo's figure, until he can smell the dark, spicy scent of seungwoo's cologne that hangs off his skin, and lips practically speak into skin.

"hyung, i want _you._ "

the hands on his hips find their way beneath his shirt, heat of his fingers creating trails of fire along hangyul's skin, slowly inching their way up taut muscle and velvety skin as if in a trance.

"gyul," seungwoo's voice calls to him with the allure or a siren, hangyul's mind is filled with thoughts of seungwoo and just seungwoo, simple touches along the skin setting him ablaze with passion and want.

"if you want me so much, then _kiss me._ "

hangyul can't help but oblige. their lips meld together in harmony as if they were made for each other, the slightly chapped skin of hangyul's lips only serve to drive seungwoo even more wild.

he wants to imprint the feeling of each and every ridge of hangyul's plush lips into his brain, wants to explore hangyul's body so intimately that he can recall each and every feature without hesitation.

seungwoo wants to calculate the intense slope of hangyul’s back as he arches up into each and every one of his thrusts, wants to become the variable that solves the sadness that ghosts the deep pools of hangyul’s teary eyes, wants to see how fast he can make hangyul’s heart rate increase.

time becomes out of joint as they dive deeper into each other; breaking from their passionate kisses leaves them breathless and wanting more. the cherry red and slight swell to hangyul's lips has seungwoo's mind reeling and his body to burn with lust.

they don't need words to know that they both want each other so desperately, a magnetic attraction pulling towards each other in a fatal, inescapable pull that makes their skin tingle with a nervous but willing curiosity.

hangyul finds himself in seungwoo's lap, hands settled on his firm chest as they kiss, pressing deeper until he can taste the tart traces of red wine along seungwoo's lips, a tantalizing taste that makes his mind hazy and drunk on purely _seungwoo_.

a little nip on seungwoo's lip has the elder growling and something snaps in him, breaking the gate to his self control. in seconds, hangyul's back hits the bed, seungwoo's above him like a god before he abruptly sits up and _rips_ his shirt open.

seungwoo is built in the exact image of perfection, inked skin moving beautifully in the pale light as he tosses his shirt to the floor and runs his hand down hangyul's chest, wordlessly asking the younger if he can take his shirt off.

it's no surprise that hangyul's own shirt and the rest of his clothing joins the forgotten fabric on the floor. the lustful glint in seungwoo's eyes makes hangyul’s insides quiver in anticipation and want.

their chests both heave with quick and intense breaths, and seungwoo takes the time to admire the fine line of hangyul's toned body, entranced by how simply _stunning_ hangyul is.

the remembrance of the mathematically determined world runs through seungwoo's mind. _it all makes sense_ , he thinks, because hangyul is flawless, from the impeccable symmetry of his rippling muscles, to the remarkable angle of his spread legs.

"baby," he whispers against tan skin, "how do you want this?" the pet name makes a shiver run up hangyul's spine while the blood rushes down south.

maybe it's selfish, maybe it's wrong, but hangyul wants to feel all of seungwoo, wants to give his body and his heart to seungwoo and let him wreck him and ravish his body.

"i like it rough, hyung," his hands rest at the waistband of seungwoo's pants, teasingly brushing at the bulge that strained against tight fabric, "i _need_ you."

hangyul’s seductively low voice combined with the sly hands that begin to drag the older’s pants down with complete and utter desperation makes seungwoo want to make hangyul his, to live out the secret desires that he's had for hangyul all of the weeks prior.

lips quickly meet with hangyul's skin once more, except this time, he uses his tongue to trace each line and valley along tan skin. the sensation has hangyul throwing his head back in a breathy whine, breath hitching as seungwoo latches on to his sensitive nipple, sucking, swirling and teasing him, intent on undoing him.

the sharp, electric shocks of pleasure combined with the erotic feeling of seungwoo's large hands on his inner thighs is addictive; leaving hangyul feeling so good that he never wants the sensation to stop. 

hangyul is the instrument and seungwoo the musician: the hands that run along and around hangyul's weeping cock combine with the unbearable pleasure from seungwoo's sinful tongue creates the beautiful melody of hangyul's needy whines and desperate groans that fill the room.

"h-hyung." seungwoo doesn't pause to respond, merely humming as he sends hangyul into another uncontrollable moan. “ _fuck‒ please, i-i need you‒”_ he arches up into seungwoo’s touch, body trembling with need as a hand finally begins to stroke at his cock. 

“gyul, don’t get too ahead of yourself,” seungwoo smirks, before all contact with hangyul’s body stops, leaving hangyul begging for seungwoo’s velvet touch once more.

_“p-please,‒”_ hangyul’s absolutely wrecked. his eyes are half lidded, glistening with wet tears that threaten to fall at any moment, and seungwoo feels just a _bit_ sorry as he recalls hangyul asking him to make his tears go away earlier that night, but he’s turned hangyul’s tears from something he hates to see, to something that he wishes he can see forever.

tears for seungyoun are painful and full of heartbreak; tears for seungwoo are full of desperation and want.

seungwoo _loves_ it. feeling like the artist that’s just created a masterpiece, except instead of a myriad of colors along a blank white canvas, seungwoo’s art is the bloom of dark, poignant red and purple atop the golden plane of hangyul’s body. 

he lays a single kiss on hangyul’s forehead, lips pressing against soft hair matted against sweaty skin. 

“you’re beautiful.” 

it only takes those two words to make hangyul melt. hot tears fall from his eyes freely, no longer attempting to prevent them from falling. han seungwoo holds his entire being in his hands. he makes hangyul’s heart sing in love and adoration, but makes the sinful fire in his gut burn even brighter than before.

he makes hangyul’s breath hitch as he cries in need, and no matter how hard it is to focus or to breathe due to his erratic sobs that make his entire body shake, he _loves_ it, it makes him feel _alive_ for all the right reasons.

yes, han seungwoo is like pure oxygen, filling his lungs, keeping his mind aware, his heart beating, and his consciousness grounded and acutely aware of the moment.

he _needs_ seungwoo; needs him to breathe, needs him to feel like he’s loved, needs him to keep the blazing heat of his lust alive, but most importantly, he needs seungwoo _inside_ him.

weak arms reach around seungwoo’s neck, pulling him down so their lips could meet, tongues briefly caressing each other before hangyul whispers against his lips. 

“hyung, i thought i told you that i don’t want to cry anymore.” looking down at him, tears stain hangyul’s beautiful features and seungwoo thinks he’s fallen in love all over again. the perfect image of the perfect person lay before him, and he just can’t resist the beautiful, tear-filled eyes that stare into his soul.

“don’t tease me like this.”

he brings a gentle finger to gingerly wipe the corner of hangyul’s stunning eyes, “i really can’t promise that i won't make you cry,” he chuckles, “but i can promise you that i’ll make this your best night.”

“okay, hyung,” hangyul whispers, pulling seungwoo towards him, until the elder is draped over hangyul in a loose embrace, “i trust you.” 

large hands run down the expanse of hangyul’s exposed skin, coming downwards to spread his legs wider as seungwoo peppers little kisses along his skin, trailing lower and lower before he’s face to face with hangyul’s excruciatingly hard cock. 

seungwoo’s hands find their place on hangyul’s thighs, fingers gently massaging and pressing upon the soft, plush skin, making the younger whine in need as they move slowly upwards. the lips that used to be on his abdomen find themselves around hangyul’s cock with seungwoo taking all of hangyul in one go. 

_“h-hyung-”_ the breath gets caught in his throat as he feels his tip collide with the back of seungwoo’s mouth. it’s hot, tight, wet, inviting, and insanely erotic to look between his legs and see seungwoo’s dark eyes glance up at him while his tongue swirls around his cock.

it makes hangyul a little nervous, seeing the way seungwoo feels so _natural_ in such a situation. for a moment, his mind wanders to the possible flings that the great han seungwoo has had, wonders if seungwoo thinks differently of him because this is his first time, but he’s been nothing but the epitome of sweet, caring, and accommodating for hangyul’s needs. 

the feeling of a wet finger circling his entrance brings hangyul back to the present, painfully aware that the great han seungwoo that he keeps referring to in his mind is with _him_ , loving on _him_ , about to fuck _him_. 

he’s only ever felt the lifeless fill of sex toys bought in his bouts of curiousity and impulse buying. but the feeling of seungwoo’s long, warm fingers pushing into his heat feels like something on another level. 

the feeling is brutal, makes hangyul want to start crying because it just feels so damn _good._

seungwoo plays with his senses like a master: the little pain that comes as he pushes his fingers inside is offset by the euphoric feeling of his mouth around hangyul’s cock, hums and little vibrations making hangyul’s entire body shiver in pleasure.

the push and pull of pain and pleasure has seungwoo able to get three fingers inside in what feels to be seconds in hangyul’s world. he comes back down from the high of having seungwoo deepthroat him and suddenly, he gets thrown into another bout of uncontrollable moans as clever fingers brush against his sensitive prostate and make him see stars. 

he doesn’t even realize that he’s begging until seungwoo pulls his fingers out of him and releases from his cock with a little pop. he lets seungwoo hear his little pleas and whines for more, entrance desperately clenching after the loss of the fingers that filled him up. 

“ _please hyung, i need it, p-please-”_

the tip of his cock brushes against hangyul’s entrance, teasing him until hangyul spreads his legs wider and paws at him with trembling fingers, urging him to push inside of him. it’s adorable, seeing hangyul pushed to the brink of tears because of him, and it ignites a fire of unbridled lust within him that makes him want to utterly _ruin_ hangyul.

pushing just the tip in makes hangyul arch in pleasure, the feeling of the stretch making his body want to be filled to the bring with seungwoo and _only_ seungwoo. and albeit the little begs and pleads that escape hangyul’s lips as he pushes in, urging him to go fast and to just fuck him, he goes slow, because hangyul _deserves_ proper preparation and precaution. 

even if hangyul’s desperate voice is as alluring and irresistible as a siren, he holds his ground, letting hangyul slowly engulf him in the tight heat, his cock twitching at a particularly high whine that hangyul lets out. 

he can tell from the way that hangyul’s chest rises and falls quickly, the way his abs flex and how he tightens around him that the younger isn’t quite ready yet, so he lets himself sit comfortably, hips flush against hangyul’s.

amidst the erotic sounds of hangyul moaning, seungwoo’s hand is suddenly engulfed in warmth. 

looking down, hangyul’s hand had slowly crept towards where his hand rested comfortably on his thigh, linking their fingers together as he whispers, “i’m ready,” low voice raspy from how vocal he was.

it takes a second for seungwoo to process the gravity of hangyul’s words, before he snaps his hips into hangyul’s and buries himself deep, giving hangyul no mercy and no warning at all.

hangyul arches up into every single thrust, and the unspoken chemistry between them has their bodies slotting together almost perfectly.

seungwoo fits perfectly into hangyul, fucks perfectly into him as well and hangyul easily falls into the rhythm of their movements, skin slapping against skin and the sounds of the wet lube that slicks their skin and seductively drips from hangyul’s entrance makes seungwoo’s heady cloudy and weak.

they’re connected. hangyul’s far gone from being able to give real responses as seungwoo’s energetic and strong pace puts him on cloud nine, lost in his own euphoric bliss.

their connected hands are the only thing that seungwoo monitors, letting the intensity of the hand that clenches his guide him on being able to drive hangyul to the edge.

hangyul’s hand tightening around his makes him go even faster, powerful thrusts jolting hangyul’s body and causing the bed to hit the wall. maybe they’d have displeased neighbors come the next morning, but seungwoo doesn’t care. all he cares about is the way hangyul practically sings with each and every thrust.

hangyul’s thighs tremble with the force and overstimulation, and the sinful heat around seungwoo tightens in the coming seconds, making him let out a breathy groan as he continues to pound into hangyul, climax creeping up in the back of his mind. 

_“i’m c-cumming!”_ hangyul’s body spasms as he cums, spilling white over his abdomen, head thrown back in pleasure as he just barely chokes out a cry, clenching tight around seungwoo;, the final moment that makes the elder follow.

he drives deep as his stuttering hips take one final push into hangyul before he releases inside of hangyul, filling him up and riding out his euphoric high. 

seungwoo lets out a low groan of pleasure as he releases, pressing his body flush against hangyul's, before whispering little praises in his ear, cooing as the younger’s breath evens out and he gives him a light kiss of panting lips.

"you did so good baby," he compliments, petting hangyul’s hair as he slowly pulls out, trying to ignore the absolutely sinful sight of his own cum dripping from inside hangyul because hangyul is _spent_ , tired body barely able to move from exhaustion. they both need rest, and the call of the soft sheets tempting them to close their eyes and drift off into sleep.

even with his skin covered in sweat, eyes partially closed in fatigue, hair messy and body covered in darkening marks of red, seungwoo thinks that hangyul still looks absolutely heavenly, the soft beauty of an angel that's been ravished. and his mind strays away to the thought of numbers once again, calculating the chance that he has to keep hangyul as his.

before today, odds looked quite slim, factors and variables not in seungwoo’s favor, but as hangyul adorably yawns, beckoning for seungwoo to cuddle him to sleep, seungwoo pushes all thoughts of numbers, variables, and calculations out of his mind, because the arms that welcome him as he falls onto the soft sheets makes it clear that he’s here to _stay._

  
  
  


**commitment pt. 2**

  
  


delicate tendrils of light stream through the odd little cracks of the blinds, gracing sleeping faces in a halo of the morning sun. hangyul is the first to wake up, eyes opening to what feels like one of his best mornings.

seungwoo’s body is wrapped around his protectively, the warmth of their bodies filling hangyul with a feeling of contentment. he wants to wake up like this every day; in seungwoo’s arms, with seungwoo’s love. 

seungwoo is a dream come true for hangyul, a heaven sent blessing graced in all white, skin flawless with a refreshed morning glow save for the few marks hangyul was able to make, lightly appearing on his chest and neck.

“hyung, good morning,” hangyul smiles, watching seungwoo come to consciousness as beautiful eyes flutter open in the light, lips curling into a knowing smile as he wakes up to the sight of hangyul. 

they come in for a chaste kiss, lips coming together like two halves of a whole, hangyul’s hands resting lovingly on seungwoo’s chest as they kiss, tasting each other and reveling in the comfortable, easy feeling between them.

the ring of the doorbell jolts them from their formerly comfy positions in bed, with seungwoo placing a little peck on hangyul’s cheek before standing up and having the decency to put a pair of joggers on, leaving his torso stil exposed.

“baby, i’ll get the door,” seungwoo chuckles as hangyul tries to grab for him to no avail. “i’ll be back before you even know it.”

“promise me you’ll be back?” the little voice makes seungwoo feel like he’s falling in love all over again, making a note in his mind that he’ll come back quickly and go back to cuddling hangyul like there’s no tomorrow

“i promise i won’t ever leave you, baby.”

walking out of the room, seungwoo can see the influence of seungyoun on hangyul’s life, the common area filled with aesthetic decorations that he’s seen hung up in seungyoun’s sports locker. it makes him feel a little bitter, but he knows that if there ever was a competition for hangyul, he’s won. 

the morning was enough to cement the fact that hangyul smiled because of seungwoo, and seungwoo doesn’t intend on letting hangyul go. he narrowly evades tripping over a stray shoe as he approaches the entrance of the dorm, fumbling a little on his feet before catching his balance and opening the door.

“ _captain?”_

right., seungyoun is hangyul’s roommate, and here he is, in all his glory, at the front door, dressed in what seemed to be the colorful button up that he was clubbing in the night before, looking fresh like he had taken a shower in the morning. he seems shocked to see seungwoo answering door, and perhaps, it _is_ quite shocking to see someone else other than your roommate open the door.

though they are quite good friends, _teammates_ , actually, seungwoo can’t help but steel his expression into his usual, careful calculating, default mode. after all, seungyoun _did_ just break hangyul’s heart hours ago, but the event did give him the chance to be able to be there for hangyul.

even if they are close, always making crude jokes in the locker room, always working out together, always sharing in victory with each other, seungwoo feels an invisible wall between them, because seungyoun doesn’t fit in seungwoo’s equation of love. 

seungyoun _doesn’t_ love hangyul like everybody should, and it bothers seungwoo to be around someone that can seemingly bend the mathematical rules of the universe. he refuses to believe that someone can hurt hangyul as much as seungyoun did.

even if the change in the air is subtle, seungwoo’s gaze only slightly pointed and defensive, seungyoun can tell that something is … _different_ between them, hairs on the back of his neck prickling in a slight show of unease. 

he’s definitely surprised that han seungwoo of all people, opens the door of _his_ dorm, where he expects hangyul to be. 

it scares him to put the pieces together, only knowing that hangyul disappears after he goes off to pursue wooseok for an amorous romp in the sheets. he feels guilty, remembering the look in hangyuls eyes when he left, but he'll make up for it, or well, he was planning on making up for it, until the door opened and put him face to face with han seungwoo.

there’s only one reason why seungwoo would be in the dorm, shirtless and seemingly just woken up, and seungyoun doesn’t want to think about it. he tries to smile, cordially, as if he isn’t trying to figure out if seungwoo slept with hangyul the night before or not.

he focuses on the way the kitchen seems in order, how the floor seems to be as messy as usual‒ no stray articles of clothing in sight‒ and really no evidence that anything at all happened last night, calming the fears that linger in the back of his mind.

but it’s only when seungyoun sees hangyul tiredly walking about from the confines of his room that he realizes that things will never be the same. 

" _hyung_ , come back to bed, I miss you."

for a moment, seungyoun thinks that it’s _him_ that hangyul is calling out to; until he catches a glimpse of the marks that mar hangyul’shis skin, and the way hangyul wraps his arms around seungwoo’s milky white skin from behind. 

seungyoun instantly understands. he knows that lee hangyul is no longer his, and that han seungwoo has become what cho seungyoun was to hangyul. he doesn’t want to admit that somewhere in his heart, it hurts to see hangyul be so affectionate with someone else.

hangyul’s just as vibrant as ever, except now, he’s _different_. he can tell from the way that their hands intertwine lovingly that hangyul’s found someone else, found someone after all these years. 

it hurts. 

a little piece of his heart shatters seeing how intimate they are, and a little part of him wants to tell seungwoo that hangyul isn’t _his_ , but he knows things have changed. 

hangyul looks happy with seungwoo. hangyul looks _alive_ with seungwoo, and seungyoun is the fool because he wants more than he can ever have.

he should have known from the start that hangyul would never love only him, because hangyul is far too kind, far too caring, and far too beautiful to ever have to be alone. he should have known that hangyul’s faith has limits, and that time ran far too quick to ever be able to fix mistakes.

so he leaves.

turns his way out the door, never even stepping inside the dorm room where seungwoo and hangyul embrace, hiding a bittersweet smile that graces his face as he thinks of his childhood friend. 

if love is a game, then seungyoun lost, cards not falling in his favor, the confident player who holds onto his cards for far too long, until it’s too late and originally valuable cards turn useless. regrets are losses, inescapable and unchanging endings. he’s played his hand and it’s clear that the outcome he wants is the one he just _can’t_ have.

seungwoo and hangyul barely hear the words that fall from seungyoun’s lips as he leaves.

“ _treat him right, han.”_

  
  
  


**epilogue**

  
  


seungwoo finds out on monday, two days later, that perhaps everything did go in favor of the mechanisms of the universe. the moment he walks into his psychology lecture, he sees written on the board the lesson for the day on the theory of love.

_love = intimacy + passion + commitment_

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> please comment and let me know how you felt i worked really hard on this and this fic concept especially has such a special place in my heart!!!!!


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